This is from a recent tumblr post. It was designed to instruct and illuminate what many people on tumblr do. . . that’s get involved in these LDR’s.
Tumblr is an amazing social network. I don’t know the outlook for its future with its acquisition but its recent past has been terrific. You meet all kinds of people here. People who make you laugh, people who interest you and you follow, people who you can’t wait to see their posts and comments.
Tumblr also affords you an opportunity to connect. And, when you’re lucky you can connect in the real world too. This essay is going to describe what that real world connection looks and feels like and then often results in. This is a classic tragedy. My hope is that some of you will be able to think through my comments here, weigh them for yourself and your own individual situations and lives and, perhaps, just perhaps, gain some perspective and some skill at maneuvering. I believe in an informed consumer and a road map to probability.
There’s a rule in tumblr land that says the people (or a person) you’re most interested in and wanting to know, see, hold, kiss and fuck (often times) is a long ways away. For me, I have had a range in distance, maybe 600 miles in radius from where I am in the world.
This has served me well in many regards. There was only 1 time zone difference and fortunately, airfare had been very affordable or at worst, driving could be done in a day. Yet, that relative ease or convenience doesn’t solve the root issue. It doesn’t satisfy long term and it doesn’t make a future doable without a move and melding of lives. Somebody is going to be left lacking this way.
You can work an LDR with reasonable success with FaceTime, texting, phone calls, and other connection app’s that are out there. I have used those to great success and relationship building. However, they only go so far. If you’re not together day to day or to the maximum amount your cohabitation and life schedules permit, then your relationship will stagnate. It’s inevitable. It’s limiting. These are facts. Your desire for maximum contact and intertwining is limited. These are facts.
To embark on a LDR is an exciting thing in your life. The longing, connection and sexual intimacy can be the most moving you’ll experience in life. They are off the charts in satisfaction when they’re happening. Nothing is better in life, IMHO, than those times you’re together and able to enjoy each other. Those times are an oasis. An oasis of love, intimacy, connection and the purest expression of mutual relationship satisfaction. The question is, and has recently been answered for me, is that this oasis, as warm, inviting and comforting as it is, is simply NOT enough nor is it long term doable.
This is the sadness. This is the heartbreak. This is the reality moving forward when your connection dissolves into the ether. This is when your LDR turns into memories.
You have to understand yourself and what your intentions truly are when you’re in a LDR. You can have a play partner and a friend with ease as long as everybody knows that THAT’S what it is and will remain. Yet, when the heart gets involved and your feelings get tied up too, then there’s great danger in hurt just around the corner, unless you’re both on board a time schedule where you can be together in the real world, day to day.
I recommend that you not enter an LDR unless you can corral your heart. Or, you have agreed that a future together in the real world can be done and on a schedule that you can meet. Otherwise, you’re putting off a day of reckoning. A day of reckoning when your heart is involved.
When your heart is involved and things crash, it takes a chunk out of you that’s hard to replace. It’s hard to heal from. It feels like a mortal wound. It’s not good. It will change you, harden you and weigh on you like nothing else. Of this, I know.
I am not going to recommend that you NOT do this. I am not going to say that due to the inevitable probability that you’ll end up hurt and broken, then don’t do it, but I am going to ask you to search your heart and soul very early in your connection to make sure you have a layer of protection for your heart. Do not open the gate to your heart and let the wildness run free. It is really hard to capture that back when the gate closes.
You must think through the odds of long term success through the lens of melding your lives together. Are you willing to move there? Are you willing to have them move to you? Jobs? Children already? Other family? Values? How do you form a new union with those challenges? You must think about it. You must talk about it. You must talk about it often and regularly. You must agree to it. You must agree to it long term till you fold into each other. Otherwise, that train of carnage is coming. Period.
Think before you leap people. As many of you know, there is no pain on Earth like the pain of a failed relationship. I can think of some here who have not reconciled their failed relationships yet.
Think it through. Think it through hard. Do it while you still have your own heart in your own hands. Do it early and do it often, this self reflection. Use your mirror if you must. Rely on the counsel of friends. Think.