I wrote the earlier post today in the very early hours of Christmas. At the time of that writing it didn’t feel much like Christmas at all. Now that it’s midday, it does. It’s a lonely, blue Christmas this year. I haven’t had a Christmas alone since the two of 2006 and 2007. I guess this is my third one ever. Sigh.
I did text both of my daughters and each responded. Michelle, my oldest, corresponds regularly with me that way. We have improved our relationship because of that. My teenager, Sophie, also responded with a text back to her Dad. That’s a hit or miss scenario most times. In fact, it’s a miss usually so I’m thankful for her doing that. They both acknowledged the small gifts of cash I sent each of them which was nice of them to mention.
My overall thoughts today revolve around distance and geography. I am without an opportunity to see my son Miles today. Evidently, his mom didn’t feel the need to make it a priority for him, let alone me. It was more important he go with her to her mom’s house instead even though I had suggested a time this afternoon for some Christmas time with him. Oh well. What can you do? Of all of my loved ones, he’s the closest in every way. He’s only a few miles from me and we have the best relationship of anyone else in my life. On the face of it, that is a good thing. He’s my last good hope at the being the parent I’ve always failed at achieving. Not only do I recognize that clearly but I have embraced it too. He and I will celebrate Christmas on Sunday. Thankfully, I still have time to shop for him.
My other two children are both in North Carolina. One is in Charlotte and the other in Wilmington, NC although the younger one may be doing holiday in Southern Virginia at her Grandparents. Not sure on that.
Geographical distance fosters relationship and emotional distance. It is very hard to maintain the connection with either of them because of these known facts. On a day like today I feel that very strongly.
I wish I could see all of my children today but I have to settle for texting with two of them only.
Even though technology is an aide to bridging distance gaps between people it still falls woefully short on a day like today. Sometimes I wonder what could have been had there been less distance between myself, geographically speaking, and some other people I have recently known.
Would the sight, touch and feel of them illuminated my understanding and even misunderstandings of them better? Probably. How could it not? Would we be different people with each other if we were closer on the map? There’s no way we couldn’t be I don’t think.
I’m not a religious person in any way so I can’t lean on the spiritual aspects of today. I take no solace in the knowledge of Jesus and his meaning and I’m completely ok with that. I do have memories of Christmas’s long ago and remember what a nice day it used to be. I don’t long for those days years ago but I do feel an emptiness that no one is around for me to experience it with today.
That being said I do have work tonight so there should be some adult interactions to enjoy.
Hope you have a good one yourself.
This observant man's guide to my life. 